So why is it that as the son of good Methodists, good people, good kin, good humans, just plain good do I feel the World has altered? There is dogma, there is doctrine, there is theory, there is assumption, there is fact and yet so very rarely is there truth. I sit now alone and for once with a truth. My pack not separate but distant. Are they kin? No they are closer than that. Do they understand the turmoil? Of course not, I refused to explain, it would have been unfair. Shades sees no shades and that is his strength and his greatest weakness, he accused me of being embarrassed of my lupine self, and was wrong. I've long since accepted that I am not Homo sapiens, the question is am I Homo lupus or should that be Lupus sapiens? I can never be embarrassed of my wolf-like, sorry in my case most certainly canine-like form. I will never be that which bounds majestically to the defence of some damsel in distress, I am too far from the original. Too poor a copy, but that is the point. I am more Man than Garou, but not Man enough to be Garou. I'm not embarrassed about my forms, I'm not embarrassed about my homid self. I'm not embarrassed, I'm disappointed. Not in the gift, not in the form, just in myself. Disappointed because I am not good enough, not capable enough, not what I should be.
As for Rides, he must be protected he is the better man, he is the Alpha he is that which binds and must not be broken. Perhaps he would be strong enough to hold these things, perhaps not. He loses little should I become unbound, and gains the knowledge of a poisoned chalice. I may do him the disservice, I may not honour him as Alpha in this, but then he saw through my tricks and let it stand. Perhaps he has already gazed and seen his reflection and knows it for what it is, a reflection. For me though, can I take the risk? The chance of placing others in harms way. I almost took Tristam, no that is a lie I could have taken Tristam and that was the point of terror.
So I come back as one should always do to the beginning, so I have Paul and his letters to the Corinthians. Corinthians I should be a primer for all Garou, not because it is Christian and I come from such stock. Not because it could get our more lupine/ wyld/ psychotic/ naturalistic brethren to grasp what the rest of us grabbed as separate and individual truths and held in our own ways to ourselves. Simply it should be used because it is such a well written parable on gifts and their uses and their origins and a people and why.
So now I sit and look into a glass darkly, now I sit and bleed and wait to find my answer. I was once an Ahroun and now I am Ragabash and that is the truth. Am I ashamed? Am I terrified? Am I not what I was? No. Yes. Yes.
So Paul of Tarsus I come to you now as I ebb quietly into a cup to find what I was, because in so doing perhaps I can find what I am and what I could be. Perhaps with this I could know what was and what might be. Is the future written in stone? If so then call me a heretic, give me petrol bombs and let me burn your temples to the ground. I will not acquiesce to such as predestination even though those that would espouse it would say that my actions are preordained. Damn them all, damn those that deny choice. Choice is what we are, choice is a decision, decision is self-determination. And without that we are puppets and this marionette will sever the strings rather than dance.
I bleed and I watch and I wait to find an answer, and then once I know what I was, perhaps I can know what I am and then I will find what was. And then, then, then. Then the fight will be mine and I will bring down red ruin on those that killed my brother in the North. I will bring light to to the darkness in the East and I will make the Spirits see what has been hidden for far too long. At the last I will be Howls, but who was he?
1 Corinthians:13;12 – For now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.